My Top Tips For Enjoying A UK Festival
Since I’ve been worming my way into fields for about 12 years, I feel I'm seasoned in the art of Fezzying and I'd even say I enjoy them now more than ever. Although, I did have some mad, amazing, crazy, unbelievable and unforgettable experiences back in the day, including marrying Pancho from Dirty Sanchez at Glade in 2009.
That's why I thought I’d put together a little guide of what to pack/eat/do during those summer weekends ahead. Apologies in advance for some of the shit quality pics. Phone pics weren't the one back in the day tbh.
So, if you care, my top tips are:
The last ever Secret Garden Party, 2017
Pack the right things but don't overpack
Trust me, I know how tempting it is to pack absolutely everything you think you might need but you'll hate yourself on that walk from the car park/train station to the campsite.
An air bed, unless you hate yourself. It's so worth carrying man, I could never camp without one.
A warm/fun coat. It really makes an outfit and you don’t wanna freeze to death at 4am.
Portable charger. This isn't so much about taking loads of photos and videos, but about being able to contact someone in case you lose everyone...no one wants to be alone at a fezzy after all.
30 outfits. Apart from the effort of carrying lots of unnecessary stuff, there's nothing more dry than being that person who spends hours changing outfits.
Loads and loads of food. You’ll be grateful for a fresh, warm meal from the many food stalls. Trust we.
The last ever Secret Garden Party, 2017
Bring *some* warm clothes
Obviously, we all wanna look fuckin buff wherever we go but when you’re partying all night, getting pissed and possibly falling over, the skin-tight bandeau dresses don’t serve us well, hunnys. Rock those two-piece trackies and creps you love the most, whether it’s all black or a yellow-pink-green mash up, and give it a fezzy makeover with some bright make up and fun accessories. I'm not a wellies gyal tbh but you need a good pair of boots when it's wet and Dr. Martens are such a good alternative.
Remember, there is no festival dress code. Anything goes! No rules. I just prefer the comfy/low-key way of life.
Secret Garden Party, 2009
Festivals can be intense and overwhelming at points. But for the most part, they’re super safe. To make sure you have maximum fun all weekend thennn…
Drink plenty of water.
Ahhh those amazing weekends when the sun shines the whole time and you’re 90% alcohol...sounds sick, right? Thing is, it's deadly and you really do need drink lots of water. There are several water taps at every campsite and it’s FREE!
Look after your mates.
It’s simple really: if you think your mate is not having a good time or they’re too wasted, then there are welfare tents that are there to look after us, so don’t be shy and go in for a cuppa.
Don’t buy drugs from a fezzy freak.
I’m not gonna tell you not to take drugs all together because the reality is not that simple. And while I'm not advocating any illegal behaviour, the important message is to be safe. Don’t buy anything from a sketchy weirdo, don’t take everything all at once *don’t be daft, take half* and pace yourself. You have all weekend. Chill. Many festivals also have drug testing facilities on site, offering help and advice, again, all for free. Boomtown have had The Loop on site for the past few years and you can find out more about what they offer right here.
Eat your way round the food stalls
This is gonna shock you lot but one of my favourite things at a fezzy is all the amazing food that's available. Back in the day, a staple breakfast was chorizo and eggs cooked on our little stove – big up chef Nat, each & every. Of course you can and should enjoy the camping lifestyle with a stove but my advice would be don't bring too much. Stuff for sandwiches, some snacks like crisps and fresh fruit are perfect for the campsite, then you can indulge in the many food stalls. Two of my favourite spots are...
This has been a favourite of mine since my early fezzy years. Why? They have the most banging flavour combos, as well as all the classics you’d expect, and plentiful sides of mash, minty peas, gravy and those fucking lengggg fried shallots. They also cater to veggies, vegans and gluten-free heads. This year you'll find them at: Cheltenham Jazz Festival, Parklife, 2000 Trees, Tramlines, Kendal Calling, Truck Festival, Cambridge Folk Festival, Greenman, Shambala, Shrewsbury Folk, End of the Road.
Le Grand Bouffe
A famous spot at Glasto, this French stall serves up tartiflette (potatoes cooked in cream) and massive sausages with a white wine gravy. Délicieux. It’s a bit of a nostalgic one for me this. 2008 Glasto gang 4evaaaa.
Go see your favourite DJs, artists and mad performances. You never know when you’ll get the chance again! I’ve seen some unforgettable moments at festivals, and the ones I missed out on break my heart. However, alongside this I will say, try not to beat yourself up if you miss certain things. If you’re enjoying yourself, then that’s all that matters.
Don't be a pig
It’s not hard, just be a normal, loving, caring and thoughtful human. Don’t fuck up the portaloos, don’t be rude to staff or fezzy goers, try to recycle your bottles and food containers, and pack up all your stuff when it’s time to go home.
Lastly: have fun!
Soak up the bloody atmosphere and laugh, laugh, laugh! My highlights of 2019 festivals are...
Stormzy, Lauryn Hill, Wu-Tang Clan, The Chemical Brothers, Koffee, Fatboy Slim, Four Tet, Andy C, Wilkinson B2B Sub Focus, My Nu Leng & Dread, Shy FX, Maverick Sabre, Emerald, Ocean Wisdom, Heady One, Decoy & Seapa, Alexis, Randall, Sports Banger Mega Rave, Barely Legal x Foreign Beggars
Theatre & Arts highlights:
Take part and even compete in this alternative and super-sparkly Miss Wilderness contest with the colourful performance group.
With a strong body-positive message and a no-fucks attitude, this gang is hosting a F***Size Catwalk and anyone's welcome.
7-11th August 2019
Chronixx, Chase & Status, Super Cat, Ms. Dynamite, Stylo G, The Streets, Slowthai, Danny Rankin, Groove Armada, Madam X, D Double E, Sir Spyro, Jamz Supernova, The Heatwave, Brockie & Det, Uncle Dugs, Jus Now, Hak Baker
Finally! An afrobeat/dancehall/hip hop festival. This August sees the debut of Afro Nation in Portimão, the Algarve, Portugal and the headliners are repping Nigeria to the max: Wizkid, Davido and Burna Boy.
Beach & boat parties
Afro B, B Young, MoStack, Not3s, Octavian, Hardy Caprio, IAMDDB, Busy Signal, Maleek Berry, Stefflon Don, Yxng Bane, Ms. Dynamite, Mist, Emerald, DJ Target, Steel Banglez
Drawing in crowds from all over the world thanks to its stunning Croatian setting and bang bang line-ups, this year is set to be one to remember as the festival says goodbye to its home of 10 years: Fort Punta Christo.
Chase & Status, My Nu Leng & Dread MC, Ghetts, Goldie, Sister Nancy & Legal Shot Sound, Oneman, President T, Sticky, Unknown T